Vongola Seduction 101
by King Oz
Summary: Lambo goes looking for relationship help, and what he gets is a lesson inside the minds of his family. He's not quite sure why they haven't all been locked up yet. Lambo/I-Pin, light swearing.
1. Introduction

**Title**: Vongola Seduction 101 (or How to seduce the girl of your dreams like a true Vongola man)  
**Author**: King Oz  
**Rating**: PG  
**Warnings**: Possible swearing and supposedly mature people talking about relationships and sex.  
**Word Count**: 397 (This part)  
**Prompt**:From KHRfest LJ I-55. Lambo/I-Pin - high school crush; Lambo's afraid I-Pin still harbours her crush on Hibari.  
**Summary**: Lambo isn't sure how some of his family members aren't committed yet.  
**Note**: This is fairly generic, and there are sprinklings of other pairs hinted here and there, but only cannon pairs are actually discussed (Ryohei/Hana, Tsuna/Kyoko). Yamamoto is the only one officially identified as being gay, and not for any specific reason either. I may have insulted someone by calling Xanxus an old man, though. Please excuse my incredibly OOC first attempt at Lambo.

Introduction

"What's that?" Lambo asked, peeking over I-Pin's shoulder into her locker. He laughed and pointed at the pictures that decorated the inside. "That's not Hibari, is it Tail Head?" I-Pin growled under her breath and slammed her locker shut, nearly chopping off Lambo's finger in the process.

"Shut up, broccoli-butt," she replied, adjusting her books in her arms. "It's my locker, I can put up pictures of whoever I like." Lambo grinned and followed her to their next class.

"Well, sure but most people put up pictures of famous people and porn stars!" Lambo laughed and poked his best friend in the side. "Not old men." He made a face and stuck his tongue out.

"Hibari isn't old!" I-Pin stepped on his foot, but was graceful enough to make it look like an accident. "He isn't even thirty yet!"

"Sure," Lambo rolled his eyes. "You would think so, but no one actually knows how old he really is. Maybe he's actually Xanxus' age!" Lambo chuckled gleefully. "Isn't Xanxus almost _forty_, now!? Eww…" I-Pin just rolled her eyes at his antics.

"Age is just a number, idiot," she stuck her tongue out at him. "And I'm almost eighteen."

"Yeah, but still." Lambo pouted at not being able to find a better comeback. Hibari didn't look very old (and neither did Xanxus, for that matter), and he was a great deal younger than her former Master. He let her go, walking to his own seat, a couple of rows down from hers, and thought about his dilemma the rest of the day.

Lambo and I-Pin had been together since they were children and, aside from the casual teasing and immature insults, they were very close. Recently, however, Lambo was finding more and more that this wasn't enough for him. He was a hormonal teenager just like the rest of his classmates and he was desperate for his best girl friend to become his number one girlfriend.

Spending his days pining away after her suited Lambo just fine. He still wasn't sure exactly how to broach the subject with her, but now he had to deal with her locker pictures. How she'd gotten them, he was afraid to ask (but he seriously suspected that stupid Reborn was the cause) and knowing she saw them every day would slowly ruin any chance he had at being her boyfriend.

He needed help.


	2. Seducing the Modern Girl

1. Seducing the Modern Girl.

Lambo found Gokudera in the library reading for his classical literature class. He was crouched over his book, frowning, his glasses perched just at the tip of his nose as though he was too absorbed in his book to notice they were about to fall off.

"Hey, Hayato-nii!" Lambo exclaimed cheerfully, sitting down on the coffee table in front of him. "I need some help." Gokudera looked up and gave him a displeased frown, but closed his book anyways and pushed his glasses back to a comfortable position on the bridge of his nose.

"Who's been bullying you this time?" Gokudera asked.

"It's not that," Lambo laughed and waved off the question. "I have a hypothetical question for you." Gokudera raised an eyebrow, his interest piqued.

"Okay…"

"Let's say there's this girl," Lambo began. Gokudera snorted but let him continue without interrupting. "And this guy, my friend from school, he really wants to date her. What should he do?" Gokudera rolled his eyes.

"That's easy!" He grinned at Lambo and leaned back in his chair. "In this day and age girls are all about feminism and that kind of crap. It's no longer cool for a guy to do the asking out. They're all about women's rights and burning bras and all that kind of stuff. If she's a strong woman," he gave Lambo a wink, "then she's probably the take-charge kind of girl. She'd probably be offended if you asked her out!"

"Oh, really?" Lambo sighed, dejectedly, and his whole body sagged a bit. How could he make I-pin want to ask him out if she was so head-over-heels in love with Hibari?

"Have I ever been wrong?" Lambo wanted to point out that Gokudera didn't exactly date modern women and still believed in Big Foot, the Loch Ness monster, and the conspiracy behind Area 51 in America.


	3. The Traditional Approach

2. The Traditional Approach

Lambo wasn't satisfied with Gokudera's answer to his hypothetical question, so he went in search of someone much more reasonable and level-headed. He found Yamamoto in the dojo playing with his dog and sparrow.

"Lambo!" Yamamoto spotted him and waved him over before the youngest Guardian had a chance to announce his presence. "How have you been doing? How's school?" Lambo grinned.

"Good," he replied. "School's been okay. I had a hypothetical question for you, actually." Yamamoto nodded putting his box animals away and giving Lambo his fullest attention. He wasn't used to being asked for advice.

"Sure! Hopefully, I can help."

"There's this guy at school who likes this girl, but he doesn't know how to ask her out." Yamamoto grinned widely. Even he was smart enough to understand whom the question was really about.

"And you were wanted my help?" he asked. Lambo nodded. "Well, if this girl is from Japan or China or even Hong Kong, she'll have probably been brought up with the concept of the omiai."

"Huh?" Lambo frowned, having never heard that word in the several years he'd spent in Japan. "Omee-what?" Yamamoto laughed.

"Omiai," he repeated. "It's kind of like an arranged marriage. Usually, it's done between your parents, but you can still do one with a girl when neither of you have parents. It's very traditional." Lambo didn't like the sound of forcing the girl to marry him. Then she would spend the rest of her life hating him and wishing she were married to Hibari.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea…"

"Of course it is!" Yamamoto laughed. "It's a hard concept for outsiders to understand, but it's a very meaningful cultural connection you and her will share!" Lambo didn't find it that difficult to understand. What he didn't get was why an unmarried gay man was telling him he should go with a tradition that was probably used more for business mergers than for two young people in love.


	4. Quickies

4. Quickies

Lambo politely excused himself from the dojo and made gagging noises when he was out of earshot. I-Pin would probably kick his ass if he told her he wanted an arranged marriage. How could he be expected to propose when he couldn't even ask the girl out?

He was mulling over those thoughts when he ran smack into Ryohei. He would have apologized and kept moving, but he realized that Ryohei had something the previous two didn't. A girlfriend.

"Ryohei! You're still dating Hana, right?" he asked quickly, completely forgetting to apologize for the collision. Ryohei's face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Oh yeah!"

"Do you think I could ask how you and her started dating?" Lambo figured that if his hypothetical question wasn't working, he would try a different approach.

"Sure!" Ryohei laughed, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Then his face clouded over and he looked panicked. "Shit, I can't remember!! She's going to kill me!" He grabbed Lambo by the shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. "You must not tell a SOUL. SWEAR you won't tell her that I forgot how we got together!!" Lambo laughed nervously, but swore to take his secret to the grave. He didn't want to ruin Ryohei's agitation by warning him that he wouldn't be able to hide it forever.

"Well, could I ask you something then?" Ryohei grinned again, but he was still a little tense, like he was expecting Hana to come out from around a corner and confront him about his infidelity to their relationship.

"Of course!"

"What's a good idea for a first date?" Lambo asked. Maybe if he planned out a good date, the asking part wouldn't be so nerve-wracking.

"Speed dating!!" Ryohei exclaimed. Lambo choked on his reply. He was expecting something more along the lines of bowling or the movies.

"Speed… dating?" he repeated just to be certain. Ryohei nodded.

"Yeah, you get to know a person really quickly and you're forced to put your whole effort into impressing your date in five minutes. If you click then you can do more, but if you don't then you have time to move on!" Lambo didn't want to move on when he hadn't even confessed his feelings, and he _really_ didn't like the idea of his entire relationship with I-Pin being reduced to less time than it took to cook and eat a cup of instant noodles.

Plus, he was pretty sure I-Pin already knew him well enough that the five minutes they would spend getting to know each other would be a total waste of time.


	5. The Secret Ingredient

4. The Secret Ingredient

Dejectedly, Lambo made his way to the kitchen. He could smell dinner being prepared and he was out of options. So far, his always-reliable Guardian brothers were completely useless. His stomach growled uncomfortably as he pushed open the kitchen door. Instead of the usual hustle and bustle that the kitchen experienced when meals were being made, Lambo found only Bianchi. She was standing over a pot of soup, stirring it slowly and muttering to herself. Lambo grinned like he had won the jackpot. Maybe the best way to learn how to ask a girl out was to get help from another girl!

"Bianchi!" he yelled, rushing over to where she stood, but stopped suddenly when she whirled around at the sound of his voice, brandishing a meat cleaver. "WOAH!" Lambo held up his hands, but he knew he was no match for a knife that was bigger than his head. He knew it was hard for Bianchi to look at him without remembering her ex-boyfriend Romeo.

"Oh," Bianchi sighed, putting down the knife. "Lambo, you startled me. I thought you were Hayato, trying to get me out of the kitchen." She smiled softly at him. Although he was shaken up at his near-death experience, he gave her a nervous smile in return and sat down at the kitchen table to watch her work.

"Do you think I could ask you a question?" he asked breaking the silence after a few minutes. She grinned at him over her pot.

"You just did."

"I mean something else," he replied. "Something about love?" Bianchi stopped stirring the pot and chuckled.

"You're talking about I-Pin, I presume?" She asked in return. She covered her soup and walked over to the kitchen table, wiping her hands off on her apron. "Let me guess, you asked some of those silly boys about dating and they gave you a bunch of completely retarded answers on things girls like?" Lambo's eyes bugged out.

"How did you know that?!" he yelled. Bianchi laughed.

"I know my brother better than anyone," she replied. "So what do you need help with?"

"How do I show her how much I like her?" Lambo asked, bringing his feet up onto his chair and resting his chin on his knees.

"With cooking of course." Bianchi stood up again and pulled Lambo with her back into the kitchen. "What you need to do is cook her something really romantic and put all of your love into it! It's foolproof. Why don't you try making her chocolates?" Lambo perked up. Bianchi wasn't exactly known for her edible creations, but chocolate seemed harmless enough.

"Sure!" He grinned, following Bianchi around the kitchen. "What do we need to make chocolates?"

Bianchi pulled open the fridge door and hummed thoughtfully while loading up her arms with ingredients.

"Well, first you need semi-sweet chocolate, some cream, butter, broccoli, a little cinnamon, beets, a piece of salmon, and some garlic." She dumped her load on the kitchen counter. "And since I-Pin really likes garlic, maybe we should put in extra." While the list of ingredients sounded nauseating, Lambo was under the misguided belief that it was impossible to screw up chocolate. Not even Bianchi could ruin the sweet stuff. Besides, I-pin did enjoy a lot of garlic in her food, and it seemed kind of fitting that garlic and broccoli would be combined to make such a sweet treat.

I-Pin didn't seem to think so.

When Lambo offered the clumpy confection to her after dinner that evening, she promptly spat the mess on the floor and proceeded to chase him around the compound until he collapsed in the living room and begged for mercy.


	6. For Your Information

5. For Your Information

The next day, Lambo was woken up by the sound of soft knocks at the door. He pulled himself groggily out of bed and answered the door. Irie was on the other side, carrying a few folders full of paper and dragging Spanner with him. Lambo gave them both a confused look (though it looked more like he was about to puke).

"Irie?" he asked, rubbing his eyes. "Whaddya want? What time is it?"

"What are you talking about, Lambo?" Irie laughed and pushed his way into the room. "It's almost ten in the morning." Lambo looked back at his alarm clock in disbelief.

"Oh," he replied, dumbly. "So why are you two here?"

"We heard you were having a little girl trouble, and I wanted to help!" Irie grinned and waved a file at him. Spanner just rolled his eyes and sat down on the floor, picking up the remains of a video game controller that looked like it had met with the bad side of one of Lambo's old grenades. He began to tinker with it, letting Irie explain his own behaviour.

"And how exactly do you think you can help me?" Lambo asked, climbing back onto his bed. He took the file Irie offered to him, flipping through it. "What the hell is this?"

"Our suggestion," he began, but was interrupted by the sound of Spanner clearing his throat. "My suggestion was to do a quick background check on her! From what information I've gathered, you're looking for help in asking out I-Pin, right?" He didn't wait for Lambo's confirmation. "So we put–" Spanner cleared his throat again and Irie laughed, "I put this file together with all of her personal information. It includes her blood type, medical records, family history, relatives, hobbies, skills, criminal record, known affiliates, and so on."

Lambo looked horrified as he pushed the file back into Irie's hands. He wasn't going to have anything to do with that. If rotten chocolates were enough to earn him a beating, he didn't want to be around to see what her reaction would be if she found out that he'd gotten a hold of any kind of personal information that she hadn't told him herself. Even if it was technically Irie who had done the research.

"Thanks, but I'm really tired." He was wide-awake now, but he faked a yawn. "Plus, I don't think she's the type who would appreciate being researched." Irie laughed in a way that gave Lambo the impression that he had already been chastised for this idea. Spanner stood up from the floor and apologized for their intrusion, tugging Irie out of the door.

Lambo was thankful that Spanner didn't allow his friend the opportunity to leave the file behind.


	7. All's Fair in Love and War

6. All's Fair in Love and War

Lambo was starting to get the feeling his family was a little weird. He couldn't understand how they had managed to ask anyone out, much less maintain any kind of relationships up to now. He was starting to suspect most of them were still virgins, too.

"You're in need of help seducing a lovely little lady, and you don't come to me first?" Lambo turned around at the smooth voice. Mukuro was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, watching Lambo brush his teeth. Lambo spit out his mouthful of toothpaste before he could choke on it.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice a few octaves higher than normal. Mukuro grinned at him, seemingly amused by Lambo's unease.

"You're not going to ask me for help?" He held his hand to his chest in mock hurt. Lambo rolled his eyes.

"You would probably tell me to lie or blackmail her." Mukuro chuckled, but didn't deny it.

"You're not in much of a position to complain, young Bovino," he replied. "Or have my predecessors actually given you advice you can use?"

Lambo hated to admit that Mukuro was right and so kept his mouth shut. He turned his back to Mukuro and began to floss. In the bathroom mirror, he watched as Mukuro slowly slid up to him.

"You have to admit," Mukuro hisses softly into his ear, "I'm much better at this than they are." Lambo tried and failed to suppress a shiver.

"I don't have to admit anything." Mukuro laughed.

"You can fight it all you want," Mukuro accentuated his words with a gentle finger tracing his spine from between his shoulders to the small of his back, "but eventually even you will fall to my methods." He took Lambo's earlobe between his teeth, wrapping his arms around him, sliding one hand up Lambo's nightshirt. Mukuro laughed when Lambo could do nothing more than squeak in protest. In the mirror, Lambo could see his face had turned beet red and his mouth was hanging open. He dropped the floss and slapped at Mukuro's wandering hands.

"Stop!" he yelped, dropping his shoulder to physically force Mukuro back. Mukuro was still chuckling.

"What's wrong?"

"I want a date, not a restraining order." Mukuro let himself be pushed out of the bathroom and he laughed again when the lock on the door was turned. Lambo wouldn't be taking any chances with the bathroom for a long time to come.

And while the thought of touching I-Pin in such a familiar fashion sent a thrill through Lambo, he knew the girl could dislocate every bone in his body with her pinky. Lambo wasn't the most intuitive of the Guardians, but he was just the right amount of terrified to keep himself out of the hospital.


	8. Cupid's Aim

7. Cupid's Aim

Just when Lambo was starting to run out of options, he found Tsuna and Reborn training together. He almost kicked himself for not thinking about it sooner. Not only was Tsuna a great mafia boss, he was also engaged to Kyouko.

"Tsuna, Tsuna!!" he yelled, excitedly. Tsuna stopped in his place and turned towards his youngest Guardian.

"Lambo, you're just in time!" Tsuna grabbed a towel from the chair in the corner and wiped his face with it. "We were about to take a break, weren't we Reborn?" The hitman just shrugged.

"That's good, 'cause I've got a really important question I need to ask you."

"Are you talking about your stupid love issues?" Reborn spoke up before Tsuna could reply. Lambo grumbled under his breath and wished he still carried his grenades on him.

"It's not stupid, stupid!" He may have been almost eighteen, but Reborn always brought out the immaturity in him. Tsuna stepped in between them before the fighting could escalate any further.

"What did you want to ask me about?" He smiled apologetically. Lambo could always be calmed with one of Tsuna's smiles.

"How did you end up engaged to Kyouko?" Tsuna blushed nervously and Reborn barked out a laugh.

"Well, the truth is, I don't really know." Tsuna admitted reluctantly. "Stuff just sort of happened."

"Nothing would have happened at all if it hadn't been for me." Reborn piped up. Tsuna chuckled nervously.

"Well, you didn't really help me _that_ much, Reborn." Lambo hated to ask Reborn for help, but he was desperate and even the thought of ending up like Tsuna and Kyouko was worth the ridicule.

"What did you do to help Tsuna get the girl?" Lambo asked. Reborn grinned and pulled out his old Dying Will gun.

"I shot him with a Dying Will bullet." Lambo paled. "Then he chased after her with his dying will."

"Yeah, but she thought I was a pervert, Reborn!" Tsuna laughed, not noticing Lambo's discomfort. "It was a month before Kyouko would even speak to me again. I doubt Lambo wants to be shot and embarrassed in front of the girl he likes by being forced to run after her in his underwear."

Lambo couldn't agree more with Tsuna. He liked I-Pin a lot, but he didn't think letting Reborn shoot him was the way to go. Knowing the hitman, he would use the wrong bullets anyways and Lambo would die long before he was able to confess to the girl.

There had to be another way.

Most of the world seemed to do just fine without the mafia bullet, so until he was completely out of options, he would stay away from Reborn and his gun. He didn't want to give Reborn the satisfaction of shooting Lambo for fun either.


End file.
